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The 5 Most Common Regrets Dads Have With Their Kids

Hey all,

Over the years I have had a lot of dads sit in my office and talk about their kids. My job has allowed me a window in every type of family structure I can imagine.

Some Dads come in when their kids are young, trying to figure out how to be more present, how to manage the stress they are bringing home, how to show up better for the family they are building. Those conversations are some of my favorites. There is a special movement going on right now with "younger" fathers. This next generation of fathers are crushing it and there's a lot to learn from their example.

But some dad's come in when their kids are teenagers, or in college, or out of the house entirely. And those conversations a lot of times have a different weight to them. I hear a lot of honest reckoning with time that passed faster than they expected and moments they cannot get back. A lot of regret gets shared.

I have heard enough of those conversations now that certain themes keep showing up. The same regrets, in slightly different words, from men across very different circumstances and very different family situations.

Here are the 5 things I hear most often from dads who are looking back....

1. Physically present but mentally somewhere else.

Hands down this is the most common one. Present in practicality, absent in attention. Phone on the table, half-watching the game, running through tomorrow's to-do list while their kid was trying to tell them something. I hear a version of this from clients talking about their dad... It typically goes something like this, "My dad was there for me. Took me to practice, provided things. But I never really knew him."

2. I waited until I had more time.

More time never came. The project ended and another started. The busy season rolled into the next one. The season where life finally slows down has a funny way of never actually arriving.

And kids do not wait forever. Young ones eventually stop asking you to come play and find someone else who will. Older ones stop looking to you for approval and start looking somewhere else.

3. Being harder on them than I needed to be.

High standards are not what dads regret. Most of the men I sit with wanted to raise kids who were capable and hardworking and that is not the problem.

The regret is almost always about the delivery.

Criticism that comes without enough affirmation is not worth a lot to children. The correction in the car ride home after a loss when what the kid needed was just to be told they played hard. I cannot count how many times I have heard a grown man describe his dad pulling him aside after a game to fix his form while the sting of the loss was still fresh. The bar that kept moving without enough acknowledgment of how hard they were already working to reach it.

The correction lands completely differently when the connection is already there. Kids do not need perfect dads. They need dads who are in their corner even when they are correcting them.

4. I never told them ____enough.

Not just I love you, though that too. The specific things. I am proud of you for____. I see how hard you are working at _____. You are capable.

Most of the men I sit with who struggle to say these things were never told them either. It is one of the common ways pain moves from one generation to the next.

5. I let work define me more than they did.

Providing for your family is not a small thing. It is an act of love and most dads who work hard do it because they genuinely care about the people they are working for. That matters and it should not be minimized.

But provision is the floor, not the ceiling.

A lot of men measure their entire role as a father through what they provide. The house, the vacations, the opportunities. And their kids will be grateful for those things. But when those same kids are grown and sitting across from someone like me, they are almost never talking about the house or the vacations.

They are talking about whether dad showed up and wanted to engage. A father giving his undivided attention is huge for children!

Bonus (#6): I treated their mom like a roommate.

Loving their mom well is not separate from being a good dad. It is one of the most important things you can do for kids. Fighting rhe drift from being in love to co-child-managers. Two people running a household, coordinating schedules, dividing tasks is a lot to handle. It is worth it to fight for friendship in your marriage, pursue romance with your wife, care for her. Kids are watching how you treat their mother every single day. They are learning what love looks like from mom and dad. They form what commitment looks like from what dad does when marriage gets unglamorous and routine.

Dad's are not going to get every night right. Nobody does and that is not the expectation. But the dad who keeps showing up, keeps pursuing his kids, keeps choosing presence over distraction, and keeps loving their mom with intention — that dad leaves a mark that lasts a long time. This list is not meant to make you feel guilty. This is meant to be a reminder that you still have time and that what you do with it matters more than you might realize! Also for Dad's who kids are older -- reach out, schedule lunch, ask questions, mend where things are broken. I guarantee you your kids want it.

Keep fighting for it. It is worth it.

Zach

Clinical Therapist and Founder of Mental Health 4 Men

"The days are long but the years are short."​
— Gretchen Rubin
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