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Your Truck Might Get More Maintenance Than Your Marriage

See if any of these date night scenarios sound familiar...

Date night #1. Husband asks wife if she wants to go out this week. She asks what he has in mind. He says takeout and the new episode of their show. They end up on the same couch, watching two different shows, scrolling on their phones after 15 minutes in.

Date night #2. She's pumped about the new sushi place. The first twenty minutes of dinner go to him quizzing her about the boxes on the porch, and why she keeps ordering things.

Date night #3. She says it's been forever since they've truly talked ... and maybe they could get "dessert" after. He says, "Oh shoot, I forgot to tell you, I'm watching the game with the guys."

Any of these sound familiar?

Dating after you're married is clunky, and a lot of couples drift into NOT doing it because of the money, fatigue or just the hassle.

Then there's the fatigue... By Friday both husband and wife are cooked. Work, handling the kids, practice... the couch just sounds nice. So both people say, "Let's just stay in and we'll do it next week when things calm down."

Things don't normally calm down.

Then comes the last common reason date night gets skipped: We're fine. We don't really fight like so and so. So we skip this month and then a year later, nobody can remember the last real date night.

The cost of all that skipping shows up typically as two people who only talk about logistics and kids schedules and who get a little more like roommates every month.

Math on Date Night:

I do marriage therapy for a living, and I'm for couples going to therapy to help out their marriage. But I've watched a lot of couples spend thousands repairing something on the back end that could have been possibly prevented by consistent date nights.

What Date Night Costs

A 2021 Zoosk study put the average date night in the US at about $98. Des Moines was cheapest at $72. New York City was most expensive at $150+.

Go out every other week and you spend about $2,350 a year. Do that for five years and you're at about $11,700.

How does that number hit you?

What Not Dating (might) Cost you...

• Divorce: Forbes says the average is $15,000 to $20,000. If it turns into a custody and property fight, it can pass $50,000+. I know clients still paying off custody battles 10 years later.
• Couples therapy: Most therapists charge $120 to $200 a session. A few months of weekly sessions runs about $2,000 to $4,000.
• Your kids: Lots of divorcing parents end up paying for the kids' therapy too... so add that in.

Lets put this in perspective... think about your car for a second.

According to AAA's research you spend (on gas, oil, tires, and repairs) about $3,040 a year. .

Only idiots say “The oil change is $80 and the car runs fine, I’ll pass this year.” You pay for the matainence because replacing an engine costs a whole lot more than changing the oil.

Okay no apply the same logic on your marriage. A date every other week, at the $98 average, is about $2,350 a year. Thats less than you car and how much MORE valuable is your marriage than your car?

What if you're "not happy" in your marriage?

Researchers Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew studied couples who spent regular time alone together (i.e. Date night).

• 83% of wives and 84% of husbands in that group said they were very happy in their marriage.
• Other couples else reported mid 60-65%.

Happy couples probably date more. If you're not happy chances are you are reading that as a "check engine light" in your marriage and pursuing and prioritizing your relationship could go a long ways. (One last valuable point on this research... they also found time together "inside the home" counts. You don't need a fancy dinner.)

A Cheap Date That Still Works

My wife and I have known each other for over twenty years. When we were in the same grad school program (in a really small town in Missouri) and I was broke...I mean really broke. I talked her into getting coffee.

The only place open that time of year was McDonald's. We sat there for hours over a 99 cent coffee and then looked at the stars (I know I'm incredibly romantic). The gas to get there cost more than the date.

We still talk about those nights.

What to Do Next...

1. Put it on the calendar right now. Send the text to your spouse.
2. Keep it cheap if you need to. Coffee and a walk. Takeout on the porch after the kids are down.
3. Conversation Rule: For the first 30 minutes, no logistics or talk about work. (And no questions about the boxes... that one applies to me).
4. Pick a rhythm you'll keep. Every month, every other week. Something like that.

I believe in therapy. It helps heal broken marriages, and it's what I do. But I'd rather see you try the proactive step first. Take your wife out and pay attention to how it goes.

And ladies, if you forwarded this to him, you're welcome. Tell him the sushi place is a good idea.

Stay connected,

Zach Clinical Therapist and Founder of Mental Health 4 Men

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