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At Least It Wasn't Number Two

We are potty training at the Werhan house...

For those of you who have been through this, you already know what that means. For those of you who have not, let me paint you a picture...

I was walking past the bathroom back into my room when I noticed water gushing out of the hallway bathroom.

Initially, every bad thought/word went through my mind as I opened the door.

My two year old was standing next to the toilet looking extremely proud of herself. Fun...

The toilet was overflowing. Had been overflowing for a couple of minutes. Then I hear the fire alarm go off... odd. The water found some crevice in the floor and was pouring through the light fixure/fire alarm on the level below and the water caused the fire alarm circuits fire. Did not know that was a thing.

Frantically, I ran to turn off the water for the house and grabbed every towel I could. Somewhere in the middle of all of it I had a genuinely humorous thought

At least it was not number two.

Tbh I was actually semi-grateful. Not searching for a silver lining. The situation was objectively terrible. But it was not worse which was helpful in that moment.

I spend a lot of time in my clinical work teaching clients how to do exactly what I just described. Which is a skill thats way easier said than done. There is something a little humbling about standing in your own flooded bathroom and realizing that something you preach in session accidentally worked on yourself.

The Perspective Taking Skill

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, is one of the most well-researched therapeutic approaches in the world. I use it as the backbone of my clinical work because it is grounded in research and has worked a lot for me personally. (Fun fact: It's also a commonly used modality for peak performance work)

The core idea behind ACT is not about thinking "more positive" or eliminating negative feelings/bad experiences. It is about changing your relationship to the experience so that hard things do not have to consistently derail you.

One of the central skills in ACT is called perspective taking. The ability to step back from what is happening, observe it without being consumed, and find a more workable view to move forward.

Standing in a flooded bathroom thinking "at least it was not number two" is a real-life, slightly unglamorous example of perspective taking in action. The bathroom was still flooded, but my relationship to the situation shifted just enough to make the next hour manageable instead of miserable. And it helped me not lash out at my kiddo.

The Observing Self Skill

Think of a football coach in the press box versus a player on the field. The player on the field can only see what is directly in front of him. He is in the middle of it, reacting to everything coming at him, no visibility beyond the next five yards. The coach in the press box sees the whole field with a different perspective. This is what the Observing self is according to an ACT framework.

Most of us live our entire emotional lives on the field. Completely inside the moment, reacting to whatever is loudest. The observing self is learning how to get to the press box in different situations. This is a learnable skill.

​Research on psychological flexibility, the core skill ACT is designed to build, shows that people who can access this wider perspective during difficult moments recover faster and make better decisions under pressure.​

For me, being in a nasty flooded bathroom and thinking "at least it was not number two" was getting into press box for a second which gave me the ability to act instead of react. This doesn't always happen for me, but I was glad it did in this moment.

Practical Ways to Build These Skills:

The perspective taking muscle has to be built before you actually need it.

Find the"at least" statement: Not to dismiss real pain but most hard situations have an "at least" in them somewhere. Finding it is a skill that gets easier with practice.

Shift the timeframe: ask yourself honestly whether it will matter in five years?

Expand to the wider view: When you are in the middle of something hard, try to hold the full picture at the same time. The flooded bathroom was not ideal. however, the two year old standing next to it, proud of herself for trying was also there. Both things were true simultaneously. Perspective does not erase the hard thing. It just makes sure the hard thing is not the only thing you can see.

I want to be clear that I did not handle this flooded bathroom with some masterful display of clinical skill. I was wet, mad, and had not planned to spend my day cleaning up toilet water.

The point is that you slowly, over time, build enough flexibility in how you relate to hard moments that they do not have to take you all the way down. The toilet is just my most recent example. :)

"Give thanks in all circumstances."​
— 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Zach

Clinical Therapist and Founder of Mental Health 4 Men​
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