Hey all,

Last week we kicked things off with the first two of Gottman's Four Horsemen: Criticism and Contempt. If you missed it, go back and read that one first. It sets the foundation for everything we're covering today. Here's a link.​

This week? We're riding in with Horsemen #3 and #4: Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

​Last week we talked about how Criticism and Contempt are the ones that start the fire that "burn down relationships". These two? They're the ones that make sure it keeps burning. Defensiveness and Stonewalling are how couples get stuck, sometimes for years, in cycles of conflict that never get resolved.

(Fun fact: couples on average have a problem in their relationship occur for 7.6 years prior to seeking professional help. So, as a therapist we typically see Gottman's horseman reaking relational havoc for years. If this is you -- maybe call the counselor before you hit year 7?)

Meet Horseman #3: Defensiveness

If Criticism is the spark and Contempt is the fuel, Defensiveness is the wall you throw up the second criticism starts.

In plain terms: when you feel criticized or blamed, your brain immediately goes into self-protection mode. Instead of hearing what your partner is actually saying, you deflect, make excuses, and shift the blame back onto them. No productive communication can occur with this dynamic.

Here's what makes this so difficult to work through:

Defensiveness feels justified. When someone comes at you, of course you want to defend yourself. That's a completely natural human reaction. But defensiveness almost never works. It doesn't make your partner back off. It doesn't resolve the issue. It just escalates the conflict and communicates: "This isn't my fault. It's yours."

Defensiveness is really just blame shifting.

4 Examples of Defensiveness:

Defensiveness often shows up with phrases like "Well maybe if YOU..." or "It's not my fault..." or "You always..." It's the art of making someone else responsible for a problem you're both in together.

So... what will happen if this goes unchecked in a relationship?

Here's where it gets interesting. Defensiveness doesn't just stall conflict. It creates an endless loop of continued conflict. Your partner raises an issue. You get defensive. They feel unheard, so they raise it again, harder. You get more defensive. They get more frustrated. Nothing gets fixed and the resentment on both sides just keeps building.

Gottman found that defensiveness is almost always a response to Criticism, which means when both are present in a relationship, you get a vicious cycle: criticism triggers defensiveness, defensiveness triggers more criticism, and around and around it goes. Every time this loop runs, it chips away a little more at trust, connection, and the belief that your partner is actually on your side.

When defensiveness becomes a habit, it opens the door wide for the final and most emotionally devastating horseman to walk in.

Meet Horseman #4: Stonewalling

No yelling. No insults. No eye-rolls. Just... nothing. And somehow, nothing can be pretty devastating in our relationships.

Gottman defines stonewalling as when one partner completely withdraws from the conversation. They're emotionally shutting down, disengaging, and essentially becoming a brick wall.

4 Examples of Stonewalling:

Stonewalling can look like boredom. It can look like coldness. It can look like your partner simply doesn't give a damn. But underneath it, most of the time, there's someone who is completely overwhelmed and has run out of emotional bandwidth to keep going. They feel like protesting hasn't worked, so why try?

So... what will happen if this goes unchecked in a relationship?

Stonewalling is where relationships go to quietly die. It is a "graveyard" habit for marriage.

When one partner stonewalls, the other partner feels unheard, invisible, and desperate to connect. So they push harder, raise their voice, bring it up again, get more emotional. Which makes the stonewaller even MORE dug in. Which makes them shut down even harder. Which makes the other partner even more frustrated. It's a brutal cycle and it gets worse every single time.

Gottman's research found that when stonewalling becomes a pattern, it eventually leads to BOTH partners emotionally withdrawing. And once both people have checked out, it becomes incredibly difficult to rebuild the connection. The relationship doesn't end with a bang. It ends with a slow, quiet fade. Two people living in the same house, going through the motions, but feeling completely alone.

So... all four horsemen are here. Now what?

First step is NOT to read the horseman and think "which ones does my spouse do?" While easy to do... don't do it.

Instead think, "which ones do I do?"

It’s important to be able to recognize them when they come up, so you can work on stopping your negative cycle.

It's tempting to defend why the four horsemen show up in your relationships, but it’s better to spend your effort looking at the effect they have between you and your & spend your effort there.

It’s possible. I see it every week in the therapy room. But growth never happens by accident. In fact, I’d argue it’s impossible without two crucial elements: humility and ownership.

Quick note on humility: James 4:16 says, "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." As a therapist, I see this apply so much to marriage. If you are prideful in your marriage you face endless opposition.

Quick note on Ownership: Stop trying to make your spouse own their issues. Own yours. The only problems in your marriage you can actually change are the ones you bring to it. Try this for a week. Ask yourself, What is my contribution to the tension I’m feeling? Then put one hundred percent of your effort into your side of the street. Let go of your excuses. Release the resentment you’ve been carrying. Choose forgiveness. Turn your attention inward and do the work that’s yours to do.

Challenge yourself for one week. Practice humility and take ownership of your part. Step out of the cycle of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Let yourself get serious about ending that pattern in your marriage. Not perfectly, just intentionally.

If you notice any shift, pass it on to a buddy or email me back and tell me what you’re seeing. I’ll be cheering you on from a distance. And for what it’s worth, I’m working on these same things in my own marriage too.

Stat tuned for Part 3 next week: a more positive spin to help you all out. :)

Your relationship is worth the effort,

Zach

Clinical Therapist and Founder of Mental Health 4 Men

P.S. We're looking for sponsors! If you or someone you know has a business or product they'd like to advertise to this audience, shoot me an email back.