This newsletter is designed to give you researched backed skills to improve your mental, emotional and relational lives.
The Art of Saying No
The Art of Saying NoMy two year old daughter has figured something out that most grown adults have not. She has mastered the word no. With zero hesitation and completely unapologetic she can whip that sucker out. I asked her to eat her broccoli tonight. No. I asked her to put on her shoes so we could leave the house. No. I asked her to stop pouring her entire cup of water onto our dog Nala. No. And then she did it again while maintaining eye contact with me! I asked her to not play in the street....no, and ran straight towards the street. The pediatrician tells me this is developmentally appropriate and she's developing agency?? Whatever that means. What I find fascinating is that somewhere between toddler-hood and adulthood, most of us lose this ability.... Essentialism:Greg McKeown wrote a book called Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less that covers this topic.
His central argument is: if you do not diligently stay on top of what you say "yes" and "no" to, someone else will. McKeown argues that the word no is not a rejection of a person. It is a defense of your time, your energy, and your priorities. Every yes is implicitly a no to something else. The question is just whether you are making that trade consciously or by default. Most of us are doing it by default. Myself 100% included. Why We Are So Bad at This?Saying no is hard for a lot of adults and seemingly impossible for some. It is hard because of something wired into us socially. Research on social behavior consistently shows that humans are biologically motivated to seek belonging and avoid rejection. Saying no, can activate the same threat response as physical danger because social exclusion historically meant actual survival risk. Your brain treats a potentially awkward conversation the same way it treats a threat to your safety. In other words, when you say yes to something you do not actually want to do, your brain is not being weak. It is trying to keep you safe from social rejection. The problem is that in modern life, that same mechanism keeps you trapped in a schedule full of other people's priorities, commitments and obligations. Most men I work with are not "clinical people pleasers" in the traditional sense. They do not say yes to be liked. They ALSO say yes because they have built their identity around being capable, dependable, and needed. Saying no feels like admitting a limit. And admitting a limit feels like weakness.
So they say yes until they burn out and wonder how they got there.
The Midwestern Nice Problem
For those of us who grew up in the middle of the country (I am writing from Kansas). There is a cultural script in the Midwest that runs deep: Be agreeable. Be Nice. Don't upset the apple cart. Help your neighbor. Show up when you are asked. And whatever you do, do not be rude. Midwestern nice is genuinely one of the things I love about living here. There is a real warmth to it. People show up and show out when you need them to. We are one of the most friendly places in the world! But there is a shadow side to this philosophy. It has quietly convinced a lot of people that saying no is the same thing as being rude. That declining a request is the same thing as rejecting a person.
Friends, this is not "being nice". It's conflict avoidance. A clear no delivered with warmth is always nicer in the long run. The most generous version of you is a rested, boundaried, honest version of you. Not the one who said yes to everything and has nothing left to give. This is not a newsletter about becoming selfish & "living out your best life". That will make you miserable. This is not permission to cancel on your commitments or stop showing up for the people who need you. It is about saying no to the right things so you can bring a more genuine yes to the things that actually matter. Your marriage. Your kids. Your health. Your faith. The work you are actually called by God to do. My two year, underneath the sass, understands something pretty valuable. She knows what she wants. She knows what she does not want. And she is not afraid to say so. There might be something to that. Zach Clinical Therapist and Founder of Mental Health 4 Men "Let what you say be simply yes or no." If you want to get the full library of guides/worksheets upgrade to the paid version!
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Mental Health 4 Men
This newsletter is designed to give you researched backed skills to improve your mental, emotional and relational lives.
If you want to get the full library of guides/worksheets upgrade to the paid version! Upgrade Membership "We might think that we are stuck with the mind we have, but habits can be unlearned, the mind can let go, and our lives can be transformed." Does it take 21 days to build a habit? Hey all, Today we're talking about habits. But first I need to tell you about my pillow situation. Bachelor me was minimal. At one point in my 20's I had a mattress on the floor, a coffee maker, and a rice...
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If you want to get the full MH4M library of clinical worksheets upgrade to the paid version! Upgrade Membership Somewhere in America right now... ...a grown man is standing in his garage, staring at a lawnmower deciding whether today is a diagonal stripes day or a checkerboard day. He might tell you it is about curb appeal. Maybe about keep up property value. About not being the house that drags down the whole street. But you and I both know that is not it. Men may not go to therapy. Men may...