Hey All!

There’s an Harvard experiment from the early 1970s that has really shaped the way I approach each client I work with in session called “The Still Face Experiment”.

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A mom sits with her baby. They’re playing. Smiling. Locking eyes back and forth in that normal rhythm of connection. Then, on cue, the mom’s face goes still. Blank she stops responding.

The baby does not just sit there confused. He escalates. He smiles harder. He points. He squeals. He is doing everything in his small body’s power to get his mom’s face to come back online.

And when nothing works, something in him gives up. He looks away. His body slumps. He stops trying.

Built by a researcher named Ed Tronick, and decades later it still gets cited because of what it proved. A baby is not just reacting to a parent. He’s calibrating. Running a thousand tiny tests to answer one question.

Are you there for me?

The Attachment Rules Get Written Early

What we learn about attachments becomes the operating manual you carry into your marriage, your friendships, the way you parent your own kids, even the way you show up at work when things get hard.

If reaching mostly worked, you grew up believing people are safe to need. Researchers call this secure attachment.

If reaching mostly didn’t work, you learned one of two survival strategies. (I literally mean survival, there is some sad research done in the 1940’s in orphanages where babies were provided adequate medical care, food, etc but lacked emotional attachment and human touch. Rene Spitz — the researcher — documented that the infants started to physically wither away).

Some kids learned to stop reaching altogether. It hurts less to need nothing than to need something and get nothing back. That’s avoidant attachment. As a man, this can look like being the guy who “doesn’t really need anybody.” Fine alone. Would rather fix it himself than ask for help. Friends call him steady. His wife sometimes calls him distant.

Other kids learned to reach harder. If the quiet ask didn’t work, maybe a louder one will. That’s anxious attachment (you’ll sometimes hear it called ambivalent attachment in older research, same thing). As a man, this can look like needing constant reassurance from your spouse, replaying a text that took too long to get answered, feeling like the relationship is in danger every time there’s a little distance.

Roughly a quarter of adults lean avoidant. About one in ten lean anxious. The rest are some mix of the two.

1 Spiritual Idea Worth Sitting With…

I don’t think this is only psychology. I think it points at something more spiritual.

We were never built to be self-sufficient. Scripture’s first diagnosis of what’s wrong with the world isn’t sin, it’s aloneness (“It is not good for man to be alone”). Before there was a fall, there was a need for another person. Need isn’t the defect. It’s the design.

Which means if you’re avoidant, the goal isn’t to become someone who finally doesn’t need anyone. And if you’re anxious, the goal isn’t to silence the need until it stops mattering. The goal is to bring the need to someone who can actually hold it. Secure attachment with God and others is what was modeled in the garden of Eden.

5 Sample Questions You Need to Answer as a Parent to Help You Raise Securely Attached Kids:

If you’re a parent you’re not just carrying an attachment style around, you’re handing one to your kids right now…A few questions worth sitting with this week:

1. When your kid melts down, is your first instinct to fix the feeling, or to be with them in it?
2. After you snap or get something wrong, do you go back and repair it with them?
3. Does your patience depend on your mood, or do they get the same dad on a hard day and a good day?
4. Could your kid tell you bad news, a mistake, a fear, without bracing for your reaction first?
5. If your kid were upset with you specifically, would they feel safe enough to say so?

If you want to get the full “Mental Health 4 Men Attachment Blueprint” which has the 20 questions every parent needs to answer to raise securely attached kids head over to this link. It’s in the paid version and you’ll get full access to all the worksheets/guides I have in the drive.

Closing thoughts…

A four year old doesn’t pick his attachment style. But you’re not four anymore, and the same brain that learned “reaching doesn’t work” can learn a new answer, with the right relationships and the right work.

Start small. Next time you’re stressed with your wife, your kids, or a friend, notice your move. Do you go quiet, or do you go loud? Withdraw, or chase?

If you want to move more towards secure this is best done in the practice of safe relationships where you’re able to admit mistakes and ask for re-do’s. It’s okay to be a beginner at this and it’s always worth working on.

And for what it’s worth, I’m not writing this from the outside looking in. I’ve done both. I’ve gone quiet when I should have stayed in the room, and I’ve reached harder than the moment called for. Knowing which one I’m doing has done more for my marriage than almost anything else I’ve learned in this field.

Stay connected,

Zach

Clinical Therapist & Founder of Mental Health 4 Men